Tired of Not Being "Good Enough"? How to Stop Living for Your Parents’ Approval
The Unachievable Standard
Being a child of immigrants has always felt like whack-a-mole. Trying to manage each new expectation your parents have of you. Sometimes you’re studying too much and then you’re not studying enough. Sometimes you’re too quiet around elders but then you’re too "talkative." They want you to finish your schooling then get married, then have kids, then buy a house, then visit them more often.
You never quite pass the finish line……their approval.
If you’ve spend your life trying to win the approval of your parents or avoid their disappointment, you aren't alone.
And NOTHING is wrong with you.
Here’s why.
Attachment vs. Authenticity: A Survival Necessity
As Vienna Pharoan shares in The Origins of You, attachment to a caregiver is fundamentally necessary for our survival and will ALWAYS trump our need for authenticity (be ourselves, forge our own path).
Why? Being what your parents needed you to be as a helpless child, makes them want to feed, bathe, clothe and nurture you. So, it’s in your best survival interest to avoid disappointing them.
But you’re an adult now, surely you don’t care if they are upset. Right?
Well, in immigrant and collectivist families, parents aren’t the only people we are looking to gain approval from. “What will People Say” is the infamous phrase that many immigrant kids have heard. We aren’t just making our parents happy; we’re trying to make society happy too.
What. A. Tall. Order.
Shifting the Standards: Who Are You Living For?
The first step to being “good enough” is reflecting on the standards you are living by.
Do you fully agree with your parents’ views of success? Or are you following them blindly chasing the “I’m proud of you” that may or may not come?
A “Good Life” - According to who? Your parents’ standards were created based on their own history of struggle and survival. Does their idea of a good life match yours?
What does “following the standards” get you? When you do it all for them, what is the response? Do you feel satisfied? Do they? For how long? What comes next?
A Game that Never Ends
In my 20 years of working in mental health and my lived experience, I have found that “good enough” isn’t a destination. It is a constant journey of the next thing to gain approval for or to avoid upsetting them. Doing everything exactly as they want earns you some satisfaction, but it’s short-lived. There is always something else around the corner that you aren’t doing right. And we start the whole process over again.
Control comes from Fear
Please know that their disappointment is likely rooted in fear. They don’t know if a different way will lead to a good result. And they were never encouraged to try something new. They went along with the status quo because it kept them connected to their community. They’re also terrible at sharing their fear with maturity and grace. Instead, it’s through guilt trips and silent treatment.
Building “Good Enough” from Within
At Balanced Self Psychotherapy in Ontario, I help children of immigrants build your own metrics of success that come from YOUR needs, YOUR values and YOUR lives. Your parents’ expectations can be used as guidance, but they are not the rule.
Here are a few strategies:
Expand Your Pride: Stop focusing only on achievement. Start being proud of showing up authentically, speaking up in a meeting, or simply being kind to yourself when you fail.
Check the Impact: Look at the small decisions you’ve made without their approval (the clothes you wear, the way you parent). Did the world end? Or did you just feel a little more like you?
Own the Consequences and the Rewards: At the end of the day, you are the only one who has to live with the fruits and consequences of your actions. Your parents and aunties don't have to live your life. You do. Make sure it’s one you actually want.
Living Life on Your Terms at Balanced Self Psychotherapy
I see too many people waiting for permission to live their own lives, only to end up in the wrong career or the wrong marriage.
At Balanced Self Psychotherapy in Ontario, we are here to slowly disconnect your worth from your parents’ eyes so you can build it within yourself.
You are already enough. Let’s help you believe it.